Be strong, not stupid !!

So I have felt okay, may even be bold enough to say I've even felt good lately !!
However last night I felt sad, really really sad, It may be down to the fact that I was bored ! It may be down to the fact that my flatmates boyfriend has been over 5 nights in a row and therefor stealing her from me so I feel extra alone, whilst I'm chilling on my sofa listenning to old school tunes inbetween trash TV !( Bridget Jones eat your heart out ! )

But last night I felt for sure that I was the only single person in the city ! I tricked myself into thinking I was really missing my ex, when if I'm truly honest I'm not even too sure I was ! But I felt completely alone and miserable !

I unblocked his number, saw when he was last online on whats app and realized that he must have seen and read my last message to him and made no effort to contact me, blocked him again ! Picked a fight with a friend, ranted too another friend about my broken heart, tried and failed to sort out a booty call, said previous booty call is now in relationship ( sad times ) Stalked the hell out of my ex's twitter page, had a little cry and then layed awake in bed for several hours desperately wanting to fall asleep yet of course my mind kept torturing me.

One of my closest friends who I was ranting too last night reminded me that it's okay to not be okay right now, it's just been like a month and a half, it's still so soon after the break up and I need to allow myself time to heal, Sometimes you really just need to listen to your friends and let them be there and care for you.

I had plans to see my friend tonight who I haven't seen her in a long while, As I seem to of been punishing her for not rushing to my aid during the breakup, selfish right ? She has her own life to lead and has recently got into a relationship herself, I don't blame her for not wanting to rush and see her sniffling mess of a best friend right now ! .... Yet I have been punishing her regardless and put off seeing her and often ignored her messages. Which I feel awful about, but for some reason, and I genuinely don't know that reason, I couldn't bring myself to talk to her. Humans are weird !!

But we had plans to meet tonight and I was excited too see her, Yet I woke up just as grumpy and miserable as I felt last night ! ( where's that sympathy violin ? ) So naturally I tried putting her off and tried rescheduling. Great I thought, Now I'm free to sit and wallow in my own self pity, Yay ! Who am I ? The grinch ?

So I decided to ( metaphorically of course ) slap myself in the face, dust myself off, pick myself up and to be blunt stop being totally stupid ! So after grovelling to my friend about how stupid I have been, we are now going to the cinema tonight to watch this new film ' Vacation ' It's meant to be pretty hilarious with reviews saying they were laughing all the way through, so fingers crossed that the film combined with one of my best friends will be just what I need ! :)

If you are going through something and you feel really low, let your friends be there for you, let your friends take you out, and be grown up enough to realise that people can't hold your hand your whole life and that even your closest friends have their own life too, it doesn't mean they don't care for you.

Please take this advice as you saw in my previous post, you know how important friendships are too me.

Stay smiling and be strong ! :)

When do we feel like a grown up ?

Okay, so for a while now on my facebook feed it has been babies, people getting engaged, getting married and even people owning homes !!!

I find myself being rather judgemental and roll my eyes throughout it all, far too soon I keep telling myself. But recently it's been something I can't seem to get away from, as even one of my best friends keep talking about the possibility of having babies with her boyfriend !

I am 23 years old ( 24 in a few months ) *awkward monkey emoji* HOW did I get to 24 !!!
Seriously, I was at dinner last night with a friend and all of a sudden I just freaked out as the realisation hit me ... I'm 24 !!! I still don't feel adult, I asked my older friend when he started to feel like an adult, He's 26 edging onto 27 and even he said he feels like he's pretending the whole time .... and he's married !!!

I should tell you that as I am typing this post I am sat on my own sofa, having moved out from my parents at aged 19 ... ( some grown up points there ! ) However let me finish, sat on my sofa, singing along to girls aloud and eating Haribo green apple sour spaghetti ... Oh look there's that awkward monkey emoji again haha !!

I don't know when I am going to start to feel " adult " legally I am, I have done lots of adult things ! I have lost my virginity, had a boyfriend(s), I have gone on holiday with my friends, I have flown alone across the country ( just the flight haha ), I have had my heart broken ( too many times ) I have had a job since I was 16, and I am old enough to realise that even though it hurts you may grow apart from your old childhood / teenage friends, even though you thought you'd be friends for life. Because as you get older people DO change !

Yet I still buy alcohol in shops / bars and wonder " Am I going to get away with this " Though I have been legal for nearly 6 years ! When I am out with my friends gossipping over dinner and wine, I still think that I am playing adult and I should be on the Hills, The only way is Essex or Sex and the city.

I still don't drive, ( not through lack of trying, failed 3 times and I am now taking a break from it ) I am not even in a relationship anymore, never mind getting engaged, babies ... don't even ! Owning my own home ? Are you kidding ? I am almost 5k in debt as I was so so stupid on my credit cards, and don't even have anything to show for it ! I am wasting sooo much money renting so there's no chance of saving ! *shoots self*

Can anyone relate to this ? I don't even have a conclusion for this blog, I don't know what too say, I'm having a almost middle 20's crisis ! I need help !! ... I quit !!!! Where's that damn monkey emoji !!

In a relationship ? Do not forget your friends !

This has got to be one of the worst crimes a girl or guy can commit !!!

When you get in a relationship DO NOT DITCH YOUR FRIENDS !!!! 

Yes you love this person, Yes you'd be happy to spend all your time with that person (maybe)
But you do not ditch your friends, it's literally crazy to me why people do this !

Your friends were there for you pre " soulmate ", your friends were there supporting you when your family threw you out, they were there when you drunkenly slept with that person who even now you still cringe when admitting it. They were there when you accidentally liked a 2 year old post on your ex's social media page, They were there to help you discover what goes where, they were there when you were lonely and sobbing into your ice cream telling everyone how much you want to be in a relationship. They love you warts and all !

DO NOT THROW THAT PERSON AWAY !! 

I know that you are sure you'll never ever break up with the person your in a relationship with, but when shit hits the fan whether it be a break up or something as dramatic as sudden death. I promise you, you are going to wish that you never neglected your friends because who will you have to talk too ?

Even if said friend welcomes you back with open arms because they're that fantastic and they are willing to forgive you, one thing is for sure, they will never ever forget, whether they ever admit it to you or not, you hurt them. You hurt them bad, you basically phased out your friends, not only will you of really hurt them, but you can guarantee that they would have lost a lot of respect and you'll probably find out they have lost a lot of patience for you too.

Love your friends, they are such important pieces in your life, friendship is so valuable, protect it.

Cheeky little post so people can find me on blog lovin' :)

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What's in my handbag ?

This is seeming a popular choice, So I thought why not haha !!

Here goes nothing !!

1. My Handbag is a ' bessie ' bag, Found in TK Max haha !
2. My Sunglasses are French Connection
3. Nivea Stress protect deodorant ... When I stress I sweat xD ... ( over share ) 
4. So Kiss Me perfume, it's so cheap but always love the smell, and just ran out of perfume that day !
5. Subway vouchers, because it's the best day ever when they come through your door haha !
6. Nivea rescue and care sos hand balm
7. Centrum vitamins, ( my diet deffo needs work, got to get my vitamins somehow !)
8. Sony headphones that I stole from my ex ... plan on getting some cute girly ones haha !
9. A hangbag holder, you put it on the edge of the table and it holds your handbag so it doesn't have to go on the floor ! ... Genius right ?
10. Proplus, When you work in a busy retail store and you don't like coffee these can fast become your best friend.
11. My keys, with a sex and the city inspired ' love ' keyring.
12. A bobby pin, because wherever a girl goes a bobby pin must follow ... FACT !
13. A Tampon because you know ... Never get caught out haha !!
14. An Empty oh dear ... An empty thorntons milk chocolate smiles wrapper, because those things are Amazingggg
15. More eyeliner and lipgloss/sticks than a girl needs in her handbag, some by Barry M some by Rimmel.

It's been more than 24 hours !!

I made it 24 hours !!

Infact it's been more than 24 hours and

 ( as much as a psycho it's going to make me sound ), it's the first time since my ex choose too walk out of my life that I haven't stalked his twitter. It's been just over a month that I have obsessively and unhealthily been stalking the hell out of his Twitter, I don't even know why I do it, I don't even know what I'm looking for ? 

That's a lie I do ! I'm looking for the tweet where he declares what a massive mistake he made. A tweet that I know would never happen in a million years. However despite fighting with myself, yesterday I didn't check his account at all. Ladies, and perhaps gentlemen this is progress haha !! 

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll be checking it 2 or 3 times today to make up for it haha !  

( hopefully not ! ) 

But slowly I'm getting there ....

Getting over this guy has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, Really thought I had found the right one. But I'm trying to remember that even if you really can't see the reason at the time, I do believe that everything happens for a reason  ... Bring on the day where I only stalk him once in a blue moon ... because yes, I will always and forever will be a stalker haha !

... Well, I don't stalk, I investigate !!

Recipe ; Chicken with soy sauce and chinese 5 spice

This is one of my favourite recipes, my signature dish ( the only dish haha !! )

It's Chicken with boiled rice and cashew nuts, with a Chinese 5 spice and soy sauce sauce, it's not spicy but it definitely gives it a kick, it's full of flavour !

You can cook it for date night, you can take it into work with you, or you can cook it for a nice dinner for one, perfectly accompanied with a glass of rose wine haha !

The recipe is below ! :) 

Ingredients
* Soy sauce
* Chinese 5 spice 
* Cashew nuts 
* Boiled rice ( I just use uncle Ben's long grain boiled rice ... takes 2 mins and it's lush ... easy :) )
* BBQ sauce
* Chicken Breast

Recipe

1. Dice the chicken into pieces
2. Put the chicken in the pan with some soy sauce ( so the pan doesn't burn and also gives it that nice flavour right away )
3. Keep stiring the chicken around to really coat the chicken in the soy sauce, then as the chicken is slowly cooking add in the Chinese 5 spice, shake it evenly over the chicken and continue to stir. Make sure the spices don't clump up.
4. Now it's time too add in the BBQ sauce, The soy sauce will have evaporated and we don't want the pan to burn. Don't put too much in, you just want a little dollop ( same as you'd put on your plate ) Keep stiring the chicken and the sauce together. Now would be a good time to put your rice in the microwave.
5. Once all the BBQ sauce has soaked into the chicken, add that bit more soy sauce to cool down the BBQ taste ( as that isn't meant to be the main taste it just gives it that kick !)
6. This is optional but I would add in that little bit more of Chinese 5 spice now, just a sprinkle
7. Add in the rice and cashew nuts, mix it all together and PHOWLA !!
8. Enjoy !!!! :)

Let me know what you think to this recipe, it's extremely quick and easy to make and tastes great !

What I plan to do with my new free time ?

Bit of a more lighthearted post ! :)

I am sure none of these will even happen, because something you need to know about me is my willpower is almost none existent haha ! But now I have all this free time here's what I would ideally like to do with it !

Keeping in mind that people say no one can truly love you until you truly love yourself, so here's a few things to make me into the new and improved me !!

1. Learn a new language ( even if it is for bitter reasons so I can catch customers out at work when there talking in their own language, I can reply and freak them out a little haha ! ) So basically Arabic or Polish then haha !

2. Lose ( a lot ) of weight so I will look hot in some new sexy clothes, and if I come across any ex's they will kick themselves !

3. Goes with above but build up my fitness !

4. After 3 failed attempts already !! Pick up my driving lessons again and hopefully pass ... 4th time lucky anyone ? 

5. This one might not be for a while, but get myself into a new job, something with more career prospects and something I might really really enjoy ! :)

As usual, feel free to comment ! :)

Strong vs Damaged ?

As previously mentioned in my introduction I am have just gone through an extremely painful breakup, now as much as I am SO SO thankful I am that I am no longer crying myself to sleep to the point where I genuinely needed babysitting ( I even had to have friends over to stay ! ) I can't help but think, how has it ONLY been a month, literally only a month and somehow I'm starting to feel pretty much okay ?

Am I really that strong or have I just learnt to bury my feelings ? I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. As adamant as I was at the time that he was the one, is this a sign that he wasn't ? At the beginning the pain of missing him was unbearable, though now when I am getting a tad upset about it now, I know it's only the affection and attention I am missing rather than him himself !

Certain friends of mine have been a great help, I have been fortunate to have someone to talk too constantly if I need too, or to take me out and take my mind off it, I've even, ( as harsh as it may seem to others ) , have been fortunate enough to have friends to tell me to snap out of it or I'm going to make myself ill. Certain friends have been great, and I say this a lot but I genuinely don't know what I would of done without them, I would still be crying several times a day that's for sure ! I love you !!! :)

So I've reluctantly thrown myself back into single life, laughing with my single friends about how awful men can be, spending my nights eating junk food and watching trash TV, trying to keep myself distracted by going out with friends and going swimming. I've even put myself on those god awful dating sites, not that I'm looking for anything at all, but it never hurts to get a bunch of compliments from guys, and if anything half the messages can be pretty entertaining, how half of them can consider themselves human I don't even know !!!

Don't get me wrong there is a lot I miss about him, but apart from his smile, god I loved his smile so so much, it literally made me so happy to see his smile ( okay now it hurts a little ) Everything I miss about him isn't so much about him ! I miss his dogs ... I miss his mum ... I miss us going on days out and to restaurants, there's not that much that I actually miss about him himself.

I was stupid ? If you want to call it that ? Stupid enough to try the whole the best way to get over someone is to get under someone method. Did it help ? ( As unhealthy as it was ) I do think that it has helped me. Even if it's just a little, I couldn't face the thought of being with anyone else, I couldn't even imagine sitting across the table from anyone new never mind anything else. To be fair the New part is still a little nerve wracking, ( I was stupid enough to go backwards and have a one night fling with an old flame ... okay okay .. two old flames .. oh god what was I doing !! ) But now the new part scares me for a different reason, I was terrified to be with someone new because I only wanted him, no one else but him. But now I'm only nervous that the someone new would bring up what happened with my ex and when was I last single and why it ended and I'd burst out crying .... not a look I would be trying to achieve haha !! But I'm sure as time goes by that that would fade and wouldn't happen regardless, Have to keep reminding myself that it's only been a month !!

Perhaps I should stop asking questions and just be extremely thankful that I'm starting to get back to my old self again :) .... I was so low I started annoying and scaring myself haha ! ..... It feels good to finally start getting back to normal again :)

Feel free to comment <3

Introductions and what to expect :)

Hiiiii ! :)

I would introduce myself but I would like to stay anonymous, Only because I feel I will be writing a LOT in these blogs haha ! I'm a mid twenties, single girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, is stupidly unlucky in love, can be a bit of a diva ( apparently )  and a drama queen ( admittedly ) You'll find out more as time goes on ... as for now, here's my first blog post !!

So it's around exactly a month since the most painful breakup of my life ! Really wasn't even with him for long, yet I really let my guard down with this one ! Anyway, lets come back to that ...
( maybe ! ) anyway ... So around a month and I have decided to start a blog ! Will it help ? Who knows ? Am I willing to try anything ? ummmm YES !! Will I get rich and famous ? ... HOPEFUL !

The truth of the matter is after weeks and weeks of crying, feeling sorry for myself, comfort eating, binging on trash TV, forcing myself to go out and have a laugh and last but not least doing some very stupid stupid things ( boy related ... eek ! ) I am finally starting to feel like myself again ! Don't get me wrong I still stalk his twitter ( an unhealthy amount ), not sure what I'm even looking for ! Still have the occasional tear in my eye, but there's more good days than there are bad days now !

But for some reason I feel the need to blog ! I have no idea why, I don't know if it will ever get any views ? ( I don't even know how to work a blog or how to attract anyone too it ? ) But I'm not sure I even care, I just feel that this may help me along my way ! And to me .. Well that's worth a try ! <3 

I'm guessing you can expect to hear a lot of boy related storys in this blog, probably a lot of unnecessary ranting ... and probably some cheesy stuff that would make you cringe ! ( sorry in advance ) I am new and inexperienced in all this so please bare with me, not sure how often I will post, I'm guessing a few times a week ? maybe less maybe more, I really have no clue, Like I said just have this weird need to blog haha !!

If you enjoy reading my blogs and you have any comments or questions please do comment and let me know, I would love to read them ! :) ( if that's even possible for you to do that ! ) 

Anyway speak soon I guess !!!!  <3