No more wondering ....

The return of the great love went exactly how I expected it too, how could I have been so blind ! I swear love goggles are permanently tattooed onto my eyes,  I don't know if I will ever be able to take them off, I think it's just part of who I am. I've watched one too many chick flicks and hopelessly believe that the guy will change and I will get my happy ever after with him. My first love.

It has been 3 months, 3 months of empty promises, the empty promise being that he was going to leave the home of where he lives with his girlfriend, who just so your aware he told me he wasn't with, I should never of believed him, he always told me that he wasn't with her and he just lives with her for the sake of his three children, and that they never did anything together, they weren't at all couple like. I believed him and still believe (naively I know) that that's the truth. He constantly called me for hours at a time, he was able to spend nights and days away and I know I had all of his time and attention. Yet somehow he just never left, It was never the right time, there was always something going on, I became increasingly aware that for some reason he just wasn't able to leave.

So of course that's the main reason, that being combined with him being far too dependent on alcohol, smoking and as I have recently found out he likes to gamble. Also having to play house by taking on his three children is very hard, emotionally and also I am 24 and it's just not the life I want right now. He said he'd changed. he had a little, he's a lot less angry and controlling, he does seem to have matured, however the above is enough to not make me want to continue. Our chemistry is still electric, we still have the most amazing sex, we create so many silly memories and private jokes and I always felt his love and that kept me warm. I just know I will always love him, I always have and I know in my heart I always will. However I have to be kind to myself and admit that love just isn't always enough.

It was three months of mainly sitting in a pub with the occasional nice dinner. I know he is never someone who would go away with me for a weekend, never mind go on holiday, I want someone I can create memories with, travel and experience what life has to offer, not just slowly destroying our livers by sitting in one pub after another slowly drinking away, and for what ?

I know he loves me, he just doesn't want to hurt his children, I know people won't believe me but I know it. There's 10 years of memories, experiences and love between us and I see how upset and passionate he gets with me, the love is there but it's not enough for me. So yesterday we met, had this great final day and just before he was about to get on the train home, just after he kissed me goodbye and told me he loved me, I told him I can't do it anymore, and that I just can't go on like this. He will always have this hold on me and I believe somehow he is the love of my life, So I have had to be cold yet sensible and I've blocked him from every source of social media and just his general phone number and erase him from my life, otherwise I know this circle will never end.

I feel numb and I keep crying, because I know this time it's final, no more running back, no more wondering what if ? I'm glad I tried it so I will never wonder, but my heart feels badly bruised and dare I even say broken again, I know I will be alright, I know I made the right decision, but my god I miss him, I already do, the pain is just unbarable. I literally feel empty.

I will always love him, but I need to be selfish and just know that I deserve better. Part of me thinks he will always have my heart, I just hope there's enough pieces left to somehow make me happy with someone else someday.

The return of the first love ....

Hello, it's been a while since I posted anything in here ! Sorry to all the zero subscribers I have haha ! 

I was meant to post whilst I got over my ex and I did, so I stopped as I no longer felt the need... But in the words of the sugababes, I move one ex to the next. 

I have a feeling it's going to be time to start posting again, it's the return of the great love, my first everything from first hand holding right up too losing my virginity.

They say you never forget your first love, and that sure is the case for me and *Adam. Adam has been in and out of my life for 10 years, we at least end up making our way back into each other's lifes in some way shape or form at least every 2 years if not more.

The best lover I have ever had, in bed that is, even after 10 years still no one compares, do you know how frustrating that is ? Also another thing that's frustrating is the guy is a complete and utter psycho. One of the reasons that we haven't officially been together, only ever had one of those classic situationships I am becoming notoriously known for.

I love him, with all my heart, always have, and I believe for some messed up reason we're meant to be together, however and this is the catch, I know I can do a lot better, he is so far from the person I would want to be with, a million miles far. Yet my heart always wants him, it's so frustrating. 

He is very jealous, very aggressive, makes up the sickest lies, he won't buy me anything ever, not even a poxy birthday card, constantly comes up with excuses to why he can't make the effort. He wants to spend his life at the pub and his greatest love is alcohol and smoking. 

All this I know, I am 10 years older and a lot wiser, run a mile, don't even look back is what I know I should do, I can't even think of a single positive to why we should be together other than the sex and the fairytale of being able to say I ended up with my first love. Yet reasons unknown to me I want him, I love him and crazier yet I would marry him if things worked out. 

I uncontrollably smile the second I see him, I am always laughing when I am with him and I am so happy where we're together in person, we just click, the chemistry is just electric, we just work.

Then the very same day we're apart it's trouble in paradise again, so perfect when we're together yet so horribly negative and messed up when we're apart. 

Come on ! It's 2016, you know better and you don't need this .... Yet you know you are going to give it a shot with him for the 35th time, my friends won't even look at me in the face when I tell them I am seeing him again, and to be honest quite rightly so, however I feel like I will make my own mistakes and even though I almost know for certain it won't work, though we're both older now, and maybe there's the tiniest chance we will work out and he will be different, I can see for sure he's matured and changed, though the negatives are all still very much there, maybe he's just got better at playing the game. 

If that's the case at least I have given it a shot now we're 'adults'. Hopefully then if / when it fails I will never run back to him as I will never need to wonder what if.