It has been 3 months, 3 months of empty promises, the empty promise being that he was going to leave the home of where he lives with his girlfriend, who just so your aware he told me he wasn't with, I should never of believed him, he always told me that he wasn't with her and he just lives with her for the sake of his three children, and that they never did anything together, they weren't at all couple like. I believed him and still believe (naively I know) that that's the truth. He constantly called me for hours at a time, he was able to spend nights and days away and I know I had all of his time and attention. Yet somehow he just never left, It was never the right time, there was always something going on, I became increasingly aware that for some reason he just wasn't able to leave.
So of course that's the main reason, that being combined with him being far too dependent on alcohol, smoking and as I have recently found out he likes to gamble. Also having to play house by taking on his three children is very hard, emotionally and also I am 24 and it's just not the life I want right now. He said he'd changed. he had a little, he's a lot less angry and controlling, he does seem to have matured, however the above is enough to not make me want to continue. Our chemistry is still electric, we still have the most amazing sex, we create so many silly memories and private jokes and I always felt his love and that kept me warm. I just know I will always love him, I always have and I know in my heart I always will. However I have to be kind to myself and admit that love just isn't always enough.
It was three months of mainly sitting in a pub with the occasional nice dinner. I know he is never someone who would go away with me for a weekend, never mind go on holiday, I want someone I can create memories with, travel and experience what life has to offer, not just slowly destroying our livers by sitting in one pub after another slowly drinking away, and for what ?
I know he loves me, he just doesn't want to hurt his children, I know people won't believe me but I know it. There's 10 years of memories, experiences and love between us and I see how upset and passionate he gets with me, the love is there but it's not enough for me. So yesterday we met, had this great final day and just before he was about to get on the train home, just after he kissed me goodbye and told me he loved me, I told him I can't do it anymore, and that I just can't go on like this. He will always have this hold on me and I believe somehow he is the love of my life, So I have had to be cold yet sensible and I've blocked him from every source of social media and just his general phone number and erase him from my life, otherwise I know this circle will never end.
I feel numb and I keep crying, because I know this time it's final, no more running back, no more wondering what if ? I'm glad I tried it so I will never wonder, but my heart feels badly bruised and dare I even say broken again, I know I will be alright, I know I made the right decision, but my god I miss him, I already do, the pain is just unbarable. I literally feel empty.
I will always love him, but I need to be selfish and just know that I deserve better. Part of me thinks he will always have my heart, I just hope there's enough pieces left to somehow make me happy with someone else someday.
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