This is breaking me, It's something I know absolutely nothing about, I feel so powerless and weak, me and my cousin are very very close and always have been throughout my entire life, I am constantly worried that whilst I am here he is there using pretty much anything he could possibly find to self harm, everything from a actual knife to a bank card ! He has informed me that he can find anything and find a way to harm himself with it.
What's worse is he has informed me that he enjoys doing it, he doesn't even necessarily have to be that upset, even boredom can lead to him doing it, he says when the scars have cleared up he misses them and does it just to get them back ! He's admitted in his words it's " fucked up " but that this is the life he is wishing too choose, and if he goes down this self destructive path for a few years then so be it. It was extremely scary and hurtful how he was so casual about it, as if he was saying he's going to drink fizzy drinks even though there bad for you ! He was acting as if it was nothing is the case I'm trying to make !
I may be worrying about nothing about this next bit, I know he's young, he's around my age, and I know people are age like a drink or two and perhaps to experiment. But from what I have seen with my own eyes and stalking his social media he is drinking a lot more than he ever has, and I am a massive over thinking but when I look at his pupils in photos they can be so tiny and he can look completely out of his head and all I keep thinking is drugs. He of course denies it, I really hope he is telling the truth.
I love my cousin so incredibly much and to know I have next to no power in this situation destroys me, the bond we have is insane, a best friend for my entire life, we are family, we're unbreakable, even if we ever go through periods where we don't talk all that much, we still know the love is there.
To know he's doing what he is doing is TORTURE, I haven't ever felt a pain like this. My body is really taking it's toll with all the stress, it always has done, I get nose bleeds, achey body, headaches and lack of concentration and not to mention a break out of spots. All due to stress.
I just almost want him locked away in a padded cell so at least I know he can't be hurting himself, I just want to be able to do something, getting him sanctioned is obviously not what I want but I just want to wrap him up in cotton wool. I have to do something, my heart just won't let me accept this. I have to talk to him.
I had a heart to heart with him and told him how I'm feeling, I told him I'm sorry if it sounds selfish but it's not okay, it has to stop. What makes me sick is one wrong slip and it's game over, if a vain or a artery is in the wrong place, God, I can't even let myself think about that for more than the second that it pops into my head.
VERY long story short we have agreed that he is going to try and get better and quit this habbit. He said he is glad I have bought it up and that it means something coming from someone so close. He has been doing the cutting for several years so I know this is nothing that is going to go away over night. I said how sorry I am to check up on him and keep on at him but we need to put a plan in place, he understands this and we had a very long talk but the agreed actions we have done are ;
* Weekly check up's at my house, where he will show me his legs and stomach which is where he tells me he cuts. He's promised me he would never do it anywhere else but due to body confidence issues and to the fact of us being adults and family he refuses to show me the rest of his body, which I obviously understand and accept. I just have to hope that he doesn't hide the cutting and do it in other places on body parts me that I as a family member would never see for example of his butt ! I know it sounds crazy but I have a million thoughts pacing through my head.
* He has agreed to call the self harming helpline numbers that I have given him and show me call logs so I know he's been calling and how long for.
* Whenever he has " urges " he's going to take long walks as this helps, call the helplines, hang out with someone, write a story / diary, do anything until his urges pass.
In return whenever he comes round I'm going to cook him a home cooked meal, He lives away from his parents, lives off pizza and never ever cooks, he appreciates a home cooked meal like you wouldn't believe. The checks will be over within 5 minutes not even that, then we are just going to have fun and not mention anything about it unless of course he brings it up and wants to talk about it.
I have had a weight problem over the past several years and am currently at the biggest I have ever been, I am always on the tomorrow diet and it's almost become a actual problem now, I can acknowledge that. So where I admitted that it's not the same thing, food is a addiction that I just can't kick, so it would be the hardest thing for me to do, So I have agreed to fight a battle with him and shed the weight ! So we are both fighting something which is incredibly hard for us both.
I'm just trying my hardest to support him in ways that I can think off. I have offered to go with him and to sit with him through anybody he talks too whether it's over the phone or in person in terms of helplines, doctors or counseling if he would want me to.
I just hope my words have been enough, I hope he follows through on his promises with the plans we have put in place, I hope he feels my love and know it's not anger but through love that we are doing this.
I just hope I get my lovely, always happy always smiling, kind hearted cousin back to his good old self. I hope I can shed the weight and show my support and we can both battle our demons together.
Stay tuned .....
If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading, any comments if you have any tips, advice or words of encouragement would be insanely appreciated.
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