A cut that leads straight to the heart.

Today I'm not writing about recipes or my disastrous love life, I'm writing about something a lot more sensitive that may be hard for some people to read. This is going to be quite a long one. It's about how I discovered my cousin is self harming and how I'm dealing with it.

This is breaking me, It's something I know absolutely nothing about, I feel so powerless and weak, me and my cousin are very very close and always have been throughout my entire life, I am constantly worried that whilst I am here he is there using pretty much anything he could possibly find to self harm, everything from a actual knife to a bank card ! He has informed me that he can find anything and find a way to harm himself with it.

What's worse is he has informed me that he enjoys doing it, he doesn't even necessarily have to be that upset, even boredom can lead to him doing it, he says when the scars have cleared up he misses them and does it just to get them back ! He's admitted in his words it's " fucked up " but that this is the life he is wishing too choose, and if he goes down this self destructive path for a few years then so be it. It was extremely scary and hurtful how he was so casual about it, as if he was saying he's going to drink fizzy drinks even though there bad for you ! He was acting as if it was nothing is the case I'm trying to make !

I may be worrying about nothing about this next bit, I know he's young, he's around my age, and I know people are age like a drink or two and perhaps to experiment. But from what I have seen with my own eyes and stalking his social media he is drinking a lot more than he ever has, and I am a massive over thinking but when I look at his pupils in photos they can be so tiny and he can look completely out of his head and all I keep thinking is drugs. He of course denies it, I really hope he is telling the truth.

I love my cousin so incredibly much and to know I have next to no power in this situation destroys me, the bond we have is insane, a best friend for my entire life, we are family, we're unbreakable, even if we ever go through periods where we don't talk all that much, we still know the love is there.
To know he's doing what he is doing is TORTURE, I haven't ever felt a pain like this. My body is really taking it's toll with all the stress, it always has done, I get nose bleeds, achey body, headaches and lack of concentration and not to mention a break out of spots. All due to stress.

I just almost want him locked away in a padded cell so at least I know he can't be hurting himself, I just want to be able to do something, getting him sanctioned is obviously not what I want but I just want to wrap him up in cotton wool. I have to do something, my heart just won't let me accept this. I have to talk to him.

I had a heart to heart with him and told him how I'm feeling, I told him I'm sorry if it sounds selfish but it's not okay, it has to stop. What makes me sick is one wrong slip and it's game over, if a vain or a artery is in the wrong place, God, I can't even let myself think about that for more than the second that it pops into my head.

VERY long story short we have agreed that he is going to try and get better and quit this habbit. He said he is glad I have bought it up and that it means something coming from someone so close. He has been doing the cutting for several years so I know this is nothing that is going to go away over night. I said how sorry I am to check up on him and keep on at him but we need to put a plan in place, he understands this and we had a very long talk but the agreed actions we have done are ;

* Weekly check up's at my house, where he will show me his legs and stomach which is where he tells me he cuts. He's promised me he would never do it anywhere else but due to body confidence issues and to the fact of us being adults and family he refuses to show me the rest of his body, which I obviously understand and accept. I just have to hope that he doesn't hide the cutting and do it in other places on body parts me that I as a family member would never see for example of his butt ! I know it sounds crazy but I have a million thoughts pacing through my head.

* He has agreed to call the self harming helpline numbers that I have given him and show me call logs so I know he's been calling and how long for.

* Whenever he has " urges " he's going to take long walks as this helps, call the helplines, hang out with someone, write a story / diary, do anything until his urges pass.

In return whenever he comes round I'm going to cook him a home cooked meal, He lives away from his parents, lives off pizza and never ever cooks, he appreciates a home cooked meal like you wouldn't believe. The checks will be over within 5 minutes not even that, then we are just going to have fun and not mention anything about it unless of course he brings it up and wants to talk about it.

I have had a weight problem over the past several years and am currently at the biggest I have ever been, I am always on the tomorrow diet and it's almost become a actual problem now, I can acknowledge that. So where I admitted that it's not the same thing, food is a addiction that I just can't kick, so it would be the hardest thing for me to do, So I have agreed to fight a battle with him and shed the weight ! So we are both fighting something which is incredibly hard for us both.

I'm just trying my hardest to support him in ways that I can think off. I have offered to go with him and to sit with him through anybody he talks too whether it's over the phone or in person in terms of helplines, doctors or counseling if he would want me to.

I just hope my words have been enough, I hope he follows through on his promises with the plans we have put in place, I hope he feels my love and know it's not anger but through love that we are doing this.

I just hope I get my lovely, always happy always smiling, kind hearted cousin back to his good old self. I hope I can shed the weight and show my support and we can both battle our demons together.
Stay tuned .....

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading, any comments if you have any tips, advice or words of encouragement would be insanely appreciated.

Cake Pop Recipie !

We are having a little bit of fun at work and we are doing a bake off, I can cook ( only a few dishes but I can ! ) However, baking, unless it's rice crispie treats I don't have the foggiest !!

So I thought about what would impress people yet is so simple to do ? ..... CAKE POPS !! I have never tried too bake them before must they look semi easy?

So I thought I would share my experience and give you the recipe ! :)

WARNING - NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS AT ALL !!!

Ingredients

Chocolate Cake - Make your own to really claim those bragging rights. If you are making the cake just make the base of the cake, don't add any frosting to the inside or on top. Or you can simply go ahead and just buy a chocolate cake, make it easier on yourself. - If your feeling adventurous choose any flavor cake !
Chocolate - I used milk chocolate because I really don't like dark chocolate ! You could use whatever flavor you want, white chocolate looks really impressive, though it may be a bit sickly ? ( maybe )
Cake Pop Sticks - I couldn't find these so I used like ice cream sticks instead, works the same but doesn't look as fancy ! Also I realized if you can find them, cake pop sticks would be a LOT easier !
Sprinkles - or something similar to decorate
Polystyrene - To hold the cake pops up right
Chocolate Frosting - Again you can change the flavor depending on what cake you choose / made.




Instructions

1. Get the cake that you either made / bought. If you bought / made a cake where there is frosting then cut the top off the cake off where the frosting is, leaving as much of the sponge as possible, do not throw the top of the cake away, you will need this in a minute, just leave it on the side for now.

2. With the sponge crumble it up into a large bowl, until the cake crumbs are so small that is resembles breadcrumbs.

3. Add a SMALL amount of frosting, either from a tub or from the top of the cake you cut off earlier. Only like 1 tablespoon worth into the bowl, mix this together, use your hands to do this so you can feel the texture, it's important it still resembled bread crumbs, if it is all too mushy and squishy and impossible to shape into a ball you have added too much, so do this carefully !

4. Shape the cake into balls, People say you can use a ice cream scoop, I just estimated with my hands,The size is up to you, But I would do them bigger like a dumpling ball size !

5. Melt a small amount of chocolate, When the chocolate is melted dip your cake pop sticks in the chocolate so the top is covered in chocolate, then insert it into the middle of each of your cake pops. You should do this gently and may need to hold the sides of the cake pop to make sure your cake pop doesn't come apart, gently shape it back together if it starts to come apart.

6. Stick this in the freezer for 20-30 mins. My freezer drawer wasn't deep enough to do this ! Very annoying ! So if you have the same problem as me, just take some tin foil ( so you don't get anything gross on there ) and line the bottom of your freezer with the foil and place the cake pops upside down.

Stupid Freezer !

7. After 20-30 mins take the cake pops out, you should see that the cake pop sticks are firmly in place and aren't going to come loose, Now melt some chocolate, You need to melt enough chocolate that you can dip the cake pop into it and it would be completely submerged in chocolate, You may find a mug / glass /cup easier to melt the chocolate in for this rather than a bowl.

8. Get your sprinkles / decorations ready because after you have dunked the cake pop into the chocolate it sets fast !

9. Okay you are going to want to do this next step and step 10 one cake pop at a time, don't think you can dunk them all in the chocolate and THEN decorate them all, It will be far too late and your chocolate would have set, literally takes like 20 - 30 seconds to set, it's amazingly fast ! Now, dunk that cake pop haha ! Completely submerge it in chocolate, pull it out, twirl it around to get rid of any access chocolate that will drip off, This for me was probably the hardest part, chocolate ran all down the cake stick and by the end of it I was covered in chocolate ! I don't know how to solve that ? I guess just keep twirling for a few extra seconds.

Swept up mess from all the sprinkles haha !

10. Pour on your sprinkles / decorations, Warning these are likely to go everywhere and you'll find them in your house for months afterwards haha, but you can always do a thorough job of sweeping up afterwards, once decorated stick it into the polystyrene holder and repeat for as many cake pops as you have.

11. You can either place them back in the freezer if your in a rush, otherwise just leave them on the side, thats what I did. Let the chocolate harden and set, I would leave it a good few hours just too make sure that they are really ready.

Hope they taste good ! :)
If you have any about the chocolate not running down the sticks then let me know !
Post pictures of yours ! Hope you enjoyed it and hope that it was easy to follow :)

Tah Dah ! Final Product

No more wondering ....

The return of the great love went exactly how I expected it too, how could I have been so blind ! I swear love goggles are permanently tattooed onto my eyes,  I don't know if I will ever be able to take them off, I think it's just part of who I am. I've watched one too many chick flicks and hopelessly believe that the guy will change and I will get my happy ever after with him. My first love.

It has been 3 months, 3 months of empty promises, the empty promise being that he was going to leave the home of where he lives with his girlfriend, who just so your aware he told me he wasn't with, I should never of believed him, he always told me that he wasn't with her and he just lives with her for the sake of his three children, and that they never did anything together, they weren't at all couple like. I believed him and still believe (naively I know) that that's the truth. He constantly called me for hours at a time, he was able to spend nights and days away and I know I had all of his time and attention. Yet somehow he just never left, It was never the right time, there was always something going on, I became increasingly aware that for some reason he just wasn't able to leave.

So of course that's the main reason, that being combined with him being far too dependent on alcohol, smoking and as I have recently found out he likes to gamble. Also having to play house by taking on his three children is very hard, emotionally and also I am 24 and it's just not the life I want right now. He said he'd changed. he had a little, he's a lot less angry and controlling, he does seem to have matured, however the above is enough to not make me want to continue. Our chemistry is still electric, we still have the most amazing sex, we create so many silly memories and private jokes and I always felt his love and that kept me warm. I just know I will always love him, I always have and I know in my heart I always will. However I have to be kind to myself and admit that love just isn't always enough.

It was three months of mainly sitting in a pub with the occasional nice dinner. I know he is never someone who would go away with me for a weekend, never mind go on holiday, I want someone I can create memories with, travel and experience what life has to offer, not just slowly destroying our livers by sitting in one pub after another slowly drinking away, and for what ?

I know he loves me, he just doesn't want to hurt his children, I know people won't believe me but I know it. There's 10 years of memories, experiences and love between us and I see how upset and passionate he gets with me, the love is there but it's not enough for me. So yesterday we met, had this great final day and just before he was about to get on the train home, just after he kissed me goodbye and told me he loved me, I told him I can't do it anymore, and that I just can't go on like this. He will always have this hold on me and I believe somehow he is the love of my life, So I have had to be cold yet sensible and I've blocked him from every source of social media and just his general phone number and erase him from my life, otherwise I know this circle will never end.

I feel numb and I keep crying, because I know this time it's final, no more running back, no more wondering what if ? I'm glad I tried it so I will never wonder, but my heart feels badly bruised and dare I even say broken again, I know I will be alright, I know I made the right decision, but my god I miss him, I already do, the pain is just unbarable. I literally feel empty.

I will always love him, but I need to be selfish and just know that I deserve better. Part of me thinks he will always have my heart, I just hope there's enough pieces left to somehow make me happy with someone else someday.

The return of the first love ....

Hello, it's been a while since I posted anything in here ! Sorry to all the zero subscribers I have haha ! 

I was meant to post whilst I got over my ex and I did, so I stopped as I no longer felt the need... But in the words of the sugababes, I move one ex to the next. 

I have a feeling it's going to be time to start posting again, it's the return of the great love, my first everything from first hand holding right up too losing my virginity.

They say you never forget your first love, and that sure is the case for me and *Adam. Adam has been in and out of my life for 10 years, we at least end up making our way back into each other's lifes in some way shape or form at least every 2 years if not more.

The best lover I have ever had, in bed that is, even after 10 years still no one compares, do you know how frustrating that is ? Also another thing that's frustrating is the guy is a complete and utter psycho. One of the reasons that we haven't officially been together, only ever had one of those classic situationships I am becoming notoriously known for.

I love him, with all my heart, always have, and I believe for some messed up reason we're meant to be together, however and this is the catch, I know I can do a lot better, he is so far from the person I would want to be with, a million miles far. Yet my heart always wants him, it's so frustrating. 

He is very jealous, very aggressive, makes up the sickest lies, he won't buy me anything ever, not even a poxy birthday card, constantly comes up with excuses to why he can't make the effort. He wants to spend his life at the pub and his greatest love is alcohol and smoking. 

All this I know, I am 10 years older and a lot wiser, run a mile, don't even look back is what I know I should do, I can't even think of a single positive to why we should be together other than the sex and the fairytale of being able to say I ended up with my first love. Yet reasons unknown to me I want him, I love him and crazier yet I would marry him if things worked out. 

I uncontrollably smile the second I see him, I am always laughing when I am with him and I am so happy where we're together in person, we just click, the chemistry is just electric, we just work.

Then the very same day we're apart it's trouble in paradise again, so perfect when we're together yet so horribly negative and messed up when we're apart. 

Come on ! It's 2016, you know better and you don't need this .... Yet you know you are going to give it a shot with him for the 35th time, my friends won't even look at me in the face when I tell them I am seeing him again, and to be honest quite rightly so, however I feel like I will make my own mistakes and even though I almost know for certain it won't work, though we're both older now, and maybe there's the tiniest chance we will work out and he will be different, I can see for sure he's matured and changed, though the negatives are all still very much there, maybe he's just got better at playing the game. 

If that's the case at least I have given it a shot now we're 'adults'. Hopefully then if / when it fails I will never run back to him as I will never need to wonder what if.  

When friends with benefits turns bad !!

So I have this friend who has been my friend with benefits for the past 5 years, very reliable and is always there when I need him, sexually of course, I don't even fully understand what he does for a job, never mind his starsign, I have never managed to pull of casual sex, I am the girl who will sleep with you, keep on thinking about you, convince myself I need to see you again, and even worse, convince myself that you actually want to be with me, and create this fantasy romance, when in reality you're probably telling all your friends about this clingy needy girl who you had great casual sex with.

However, for some reason with *Greg things were different, Somehow I have managed to be as causal as it comes with him, I think it's because I dated him first, we went on three dates I believe, there was ZERO chemistry, but the sex wasn't too bad, lets be honest, even when sex is bad it's still pretty damn good ... and lets be extra honest, a guy doesn't only have one tool he can use if you know what I mean, and those other tools .... WOW !! Lets just say there's a reason he's been in my life for 5 years.

So throughout my life after various breakup's, times when I'd just be plain and simple, and there's no lady like way to say this,  horny ! He'd be there. Even just for a quick little pick me up ! The amount of nights he'd come round mine extra early before work, or pick me up after work, or some nights we'd even take a real late night drive and find somewhere to park up, he'd be there. For several years whenever one of us would text each other we knew that after asking the obligatory question " are you single ? " It would be game on ! I've definitely slept with him several times a year, sometimes several months apart, but several times a year all the same.

So three nights ago we were taking one of our late night drives, those drives are always very fun for us both, I decided to do a little light stalking, I've often stalked him before, as any girl does. No judgement.
I've always seen the same boring posts, football ... football ... night out ... football, angry rants, and oh more football ! Nothing exciting, this time was no different. I was just about to close down my laptop when I noticed a girl on his facebook who had him in her profile picture, I had a little stalk, I noticed that they were in quite a lot of pictures together, never any kissy photo's but lots together. I saw she uploaded a picture from instagram, * Greg's instagram was always privet, never really thought anything of it, but this girls I could get access too.

My heart dropped. She was his girlfriend. Not only does he have a girlfriend, but he has been with her for 3 years, actually I shouldn't say girlfriend, as I have stumbled across another photo of them celebrating the fact that they got engaged, and according to instagram 11 weeks ago they moved into a new home together.
I just kept starting at the screen in disbelief, are you actually kidding me ? I knew he moved house about a year and a half ago, but he told me he was living with 2 other guy mates to help keep costs down, infact that night we went for a drive he even told me he might have a free house the following Saturday if I wanted to pop over, how the hell was he going to pull that one off !

Apart from me not going to his house apart from one time, there was no clue, He drove, I didn't, it just made sense for him to come to mine, some nights I didn't even let him in my house, my flatmate may have been a little too awake for my liking, or lets get real, perhaps my apartment was a little too messy for guests one evening, which is why we'd sometimes go cruising around in his car. Apart from that there were no signs, I'd see *Greg at all hours, any day, he seemed free as a bird.

I haven't confronted him yet as I have no idea what I'm going to do, I feel like telling this girl, if she's going to marry him she needs to know what a scumbag he is, but I don't want to be the reason this girls world completely falls apart. Going through a break up myself it is still very real and all too familiar to how a broken heart feels. Is ignorance bliss ? Also since I had a relationship of my own until 2 months ago, I don't have any evidence, I deleted all my photo's from the secret folder app,
( which we all have ). I also have a weird habit of deleting my messages constantly every night, So I really don't have any evidence, what am I meant to do, describe his bedroom antics and hope she believes me ?  I have no feelings for this guy at all, but she might just think I want him for myself.

Talking of the dickhead, I just got a text from him saying he is staying in a hotel in London for a work meeting on Thursday night, Do I want to go up and take advantage of a free hotel room and stay with him ?

Poor girl, what shall I do ? I feel so so so bad, the only thing I can do is keep reminding myself that I had no idea, He told me he was single, there was no signs telling me otherwise, he's been with this poor girl for 3 years and has been sleeping with me for 5 years. What's the right and wrong thing to do here ? Oh and incase your wondering, of course I wont be meeting with him again either. I do wish I never knew though. he was a very good " friend " for the last 5 years, It feels like losing my favourite sex toy. *big sigh* ...  Ann Summers anyone ?

Be strong, not stupid !!

So I have felt okay, may even be bold enough to say I've even felt good lately !!
However last night I felt sad, really really sad, It may be down to the fact that I was bored ! It may be down to the fact that my flatmates boyfriend has been over 5 nights in a row and therefor stealing her from me so I feel extra alone, whilst I'm chilling on my sofa listenning to old school tunes inbetween trash TV !( Bridget Jones eat your heart out ! )

But last night I felt for sure that I was the only single person in the city ! I tricked myself into thinking I was really missing my ex, when if I'm truly honest I'm not even too sure I was ! But I felt completely alone and miserable !

I unblocked his number, saw when he was last online on whats app and realized that he must have seen and read my last message to him and made no effort to contact me, blocked him again ! Picked a fight with a friend, ranted too another friend about my broken heart, tried and failed to sort out a booty call, said previous booty call is now in relationship ( sad times ) Stalked the hell out of my ex's twitter page, had a little cry and then layed awake in bed for several hours desperately wanting to fall asleep yet of course my mind kept torturing me.

One of my closest friends who I was ranting too last night reminded me that it's okay to not be okay right now, it's just been like a month and a half, it's still so soon after the break up and I need to allow myself time to heal, Sometimes you really just need to listen to your friends and let them be there and care for you.

I had plans to see my friend tonight who I haven't seen her in a long while, As I seem to of been punishing her for not rushing to my aid during the breakup, selfish right ? She has her own life to lead and has recently got into a relationship herself, I don't blame her for not wanting to rush and see her sniffling mess of a best friend right now ! .... Yet I have been punishing her regardless and put off seeing her and often ignored her messages. Which I feel awful about, but for some reason, and I genuinely don't know that reason, I couldn't bring myself to talk to her. Humans are weird !!

But we had plans to meet tonight and I was excited too see her, Yet I woke up just as grumpy and miserable as I felt last night ! ( where's that sympathy violin ? ) So naturally I tried putting her off and tried rescheduling. Great I thought, Now I'm free to sit and wallow in my own self pity, Yay ! Who am I ? The grinch ?

So I decided to ( metaphorically of course ) slap myself in the face, dust myself off, pick myself up and to be blunt stop being totally stupid ! So after grovelling to my friend about how stupid I have been, we are now going to the cinema tonight to watch this new film ' Vacation ' It's meant to be pretty hilarious with reviews saying they were laughing all the way through, so fingers crossed that the film combined with one of my best friends will be just what I need ! :)

If you are going through something and you feel really low, let your friends be there for you, let your friends take you out, and be grown up enough to realise that people can't hold your hand your whole life and that even your closest friends have their own life too, it doesn't mean they don't care for you.

Please take this advice as you saw in my previous post, you know how important friendships are too me.

Stay smiling and be strong ! :)

When do we feel like a grown up ?

Okay, so for a while now on my facebook feed it has been babies, people getting engaged, getting married and even people owning homes !!!

I find myself being rather judgemental and roll my eyes throughout it all, far too soon I keep telling myself. But recently it's been something I can't seem to get away from, as even one of my best friends keep talking about the possibility of having babies with her boyfriend !

I am 23 years old ( 24 in a few months ) *awkward monkey emoji* HOW did I get to 24 !!!
Seriously, I was at dinner last night with a friend and all of a sudden I just freaked out as the realisation hit me ... I'm 24 !!! I still don't feel adult, I asked my older friend when he started to feel like an adult, He's 26 edging onto 27 and even he said he feels like he's pretending the whole time .... and he's married !!!

I should tell you that as I am typing this post I am sat on my own sofa, having moved out from my parents at aged 19 ... ( some grown up points there ! ) However let me finish, sat on my sofa, singing along to girls aloud and eating Haribo green apple sour spaghetti ... Oh look there's that awkward monkey emoji again haha !!

I don't know when I am going to start to feel " adult " legally I am, I have done lots of adult things ! I have lost my virginity, had a boyfriend(s), I have gone on holiday with my friends, I have flown alone across the country ( just the flight haha ), I have had my heart broken ( too many times ) I have had a job since I was 16, and I am old enough to realise that even though it hurts you may grow apart from your old childhood / teenage friends, even though you thought you'd be friends for life. Because as you get older people DO change !

Yet I still buy alcohol in shops / bars and wonder " Am I going to get away with this " Though I have been legal for nearly 6 years ! When I am out with my friends gossipping over dinner and wine, I still think that I am playing adult and I should be on the Hills, The only way is Essex or Sex and the city.

I still don't drive, ( not through lack of trying, failed 3 times and I am now taking a break from it ) I am not even in a relationship anymore, never mind getting engaged, babies ... don't even ! Owning my own home ? Are you kidding ? I am almost 5k in debt as I was so so stupid on my credit cards, and don't even have anything to show for it ! I am wasting sooo much money renting so there's no chance of saving ! *shoots self*

Can anyone relate to this ? I don't even have a conclusion for this blog, I don't know what too say, I'm having a almost middle 20's crisis ! I need help !! ... I quit !!!! Where's that damn monkey emoji !!